We’ve talked about divorceBut what about co-parenting?
Destiny Davis, an advocate Peaceful parenting In her wonderful country Instagram And tik tok She worked hard to develop co-parenting relationships with the fathers of her daughters. She’s come to realize that fostering more kindness with her friends (and herself too!) helps everything work more effectively and peacefully.
Destiny is the first to admit that these styles don’t come naturally to her. “I’m often irritable, easily irritable, and have more atrial fibrillation, but I work on being those things sometimes and in ways that aren’t imposed on my children,” she writes. “And with that, it’s only natural that I become a little bit less of those things every day.”
Here are her seven realizations of co-parenting…
Consider ‘couples’ therapy
Couples therapy? With your ex? It might seem like a really hell of an idea, but when kids are involved, Destiny says it can be vital: “You have to heal wounds and re-establish a foundation of respect, kindness, and empathy before you can effectively care for the little one.” And sometimes having a specialist in the room to guide those conversations is the best way to get you and your other parent back to a solid footing.
Leave it (as much as possible)
Giving up the reins when your child is with the other parent can feel difficult and crazy. But as long as you know your child is loved and needs are met, Destiny says it’s best to breathe and let the little things go. “I can’t change anyone’s heart by controlling when my daughter should or can’t eat when I’m not with her,” Destiny says. “Everything he does takes a toll on my peace of mind.”
Follow the 24 hour rule
When something frustrates you about your parenting style—their approach to discipline, for example, or how much television your children watch in their care—Destiny suggests waiting a full 24 hours before bringing up the topic. “I’m a very confrontational person by nature, so I feel uncomfortable sitting on things,” she says. “But many things that seem like a big deal right now don’t feel that way the next day. This waiting period gives me a chance to determine if the problem is something I really care about. If so, breathing time allows me to put it in a way nicer.”
After withdrawing, reconnect first
Transitions are hard for anyone, but they can especially lead to dysregulation for children. After coming home from spending time with her dad, Destiny’s eldest daughter was “bashing heads [with Destini] 48 hours.” Her dad had a different breeding style, and it would be hard to switch gears after a while. Then Destiny realized they could always Re-Call First, before returning to real life. “When my kids come home, we just take it easy,” Destiny says. “Bedtime is loose; If they decide to stay up late and watch movies with me, that’s fine. The next morning, we review the list of non-negotiable rules and begin our week. Those moments of reconnection make all the difference.” Pro Tip: dance parties Work too.
You may feel like you know what’s best for your child, while your ex doesn’t. but! “If you want to set boundaries or make changes, you have to tackle things together,” Destiny says. Sitting allows you to have everything at the table in a direct and emotional way. Destiny suggests saying something along these lines: “I don’t like how it’s going. I know I contributed to the problem, and I want to commit to doing better. Here are some changes I want to make, and I’m open to hearing your thoughts too.”
Talk to your ex about communication methods (text message, phone call, personal conversation) that work best in any situation. And when you communicate, put empathy first. “Anytime I talk, I make sure I don’t talk to him like a kid,” Destiny says. “When I blame him, he hears, ‘You’re not a good father, you don’t care,’ and he’ll likely stop working. But I’m more interested in seeing how we can work together.”
Focus on the positive (even if you have to fake it)
After a divorce or separation, it can be difficult to find it anything You appreciate your ex-wife. But Destiny says it’s harmful to let your relationship struggles seep into your communication with your children. “Kids can sense your energy, so I make sure the story I told my daughter about her father is a positive one,” Destiny said. “He’s a natural-born teacher – he taught her to tie her shoes and ride a bike. They have so much in common and have so much fun together. Even when I’m mad at him, I’m thankful she did.”
ideas? What do you add about co-parenting? We love to hear…
note Nine women talk about their divorce, And What if your child had a favorite father?